To Positano. A little piece of heaven by the sea

This morning dawned bright and clear after the overnight rain..... we were both awake early, keen to move

onto our next destination which was once again by the sea. “On paper”.. it looked fab..... but as we now

know ..... “on paper“ can hide a multitude of sins and so we try not to get too excited until we have clocked it in the flesh, so to speak!!!

I was a little nervous about the check out process, as,for the last two mornings the desk had been manned by a person who very closely resembled “Jabba the Hut”, ( if you have never seen the original Star Wars, google

it!!!) .....in that he was grossly overweight, had bulging eyeballs and an unpleasant skin condition to boot, and sat behind the desk like a giant warty toad presumably waiting to nab a passing fly!!! None of this(except the obesity and as a result the eyeballs) his fault.... but I’ll be honest , he was so unpleasant even Mother Theresa would have thought twice about shaking his hand...... not that I planned to be doing that anytime soon!!!

Anyway, we packed our cases AGAIN!!!!.... this time even less of our stuff seemed to fit in!!! and as previously mentioned I have purchased NOtHING!!!.....Dear Richard loaded up the Corsa and I went.... fingers crossed to check out..... and thank the Lord, there was Monika smiling away behind the desk.... no sign of Jabba, who I was really hoping was not her husband as she was a very nice woman and certainly looked as though she deserved better.....bill paid, we squeezed through the tiny gates and set off for Positano.

Well, we got about three yards down the road and realised that we had forgotten to programme Sally, so had to pull in..... easier said than done when you have three mopeds and a coach up your bum, all furiously beeping their horns at you !!!

Sally sorted we were off again , the roads were much quieter it not being Sunday, which was both good and bad as we were now driving on the Amalfi Coast road proper.... good in that there wasn’t quite so much overtaking, but bad as the locals who knew the road wanted to drive a little faster than we were happy to.... the road being narrow with very tight bends, and, as it is built into the cliffs, having a HUGE drop on one side and unforgiving rock on the other.

The views however..... which I forbade Dear Richard from looking at as he was negotiating the treacherous road conditions,and is a man so can’t do more than one thing at a time !!! ... were amazing.... I, being British and therefore considerate towards our fellow road users, was attempting to take photographs as we drove along.... not so other tourists, who simply stopped their cars in the middle of the road ... sometimes with the window down and a couple of times with a full on unloading of passengers, all with cameras at the ready, to record the vista for posterity!!! We both threw a few choice words at them as we overtook the stationary vehicle.... but our protests fell on deaf ears....mostly because we hadn’t opened the window!!!

The journey to Positano didn’t take very long, despite the road conditions, so we were feeling chuffed that we would soon be at the hotel and hopefully on the beach... we only had one night booked so wanted to make the most of it.

Now .... as anyone who has been there before will know, Positano is built into the steep cliffs which look out over and descend right down to, the bay below. The hotel blurb had advised that parking was “available at a location nearby”....not a problem we felt.... at least there was some, many hotels have no parking at all

due to the nature of the terrain....so, we drove into Positano and followed Sally’s instructions through the narrow streets.... we were going down which seemed right..... but as we continued to descend the road became narrower and we began to feel that all was not right, but we kept going....we had to, it was one way and behind us were a large assortment of other vehicles.... all of whom probably knew where they were going!!!.... then I spotted a sign which advertised parking for our hotel...hardly a car park, it was a fenced in area off the road into which were crammed a lot of cars.....and when I say crammed that’s exactly how they were .... in order to

get the ones at the back out , there would have to be a massive shift round of the ones in the front..... a bit like those kids games where you have to move one thing then slide another into its place and then put the first one back where it was in order to solve the puzzle. It turned out that this was the correct place to leave the Corsa and so we relieved her of our bags, handed over the keys and were told that we should telephone one hour before returning for the car tomorrow. We had absolutely no idea where to go in order to find the hotel.... our friendly car parking assistant..... who incidentally bore a remarkable resemblance to Enrique Iglesas(who must have an small army of look alikes in and around Europe.... I know of at least one other who works in a fruit and veg shop in Spain!!! ) .......gave us directions, and thank goodness he did as we would never have found it on our own!!!

And here is why..... we had to go down the road, past a grotto and then turn right.... go down steps..... go into a different hotel... get into the lift and go down to the bottom...... then go down more steps ..... to our hotel!!!!!! It was VERY hot by this time..... Enrique had asked if we wanted someone to take our cases,Dear Richard had started to say no we’ll be ok...but I jumped in and accepted the offer before he could finish, and thank f**k I did.....

the first bit down the hill was ok but then we got to the steps .....there were 75 of them, narrow stone steps which led to the hotel..... you bet I had started moaning........ I was hopeful that when we got out of the lift we would be almost there...... not so gentle readers........ we then descended TWO fu**ing HUNDRED more steps to our hotel!!!!!! Obviously going down is not too bad, although when one reaches my advanced age one’s joints...i.e knees do not have the flexibility or strength they once did ..... but remember it was VERY hot, I was lugging a large rucksack and I was getting more and more fed up with stupid steps every minute..... AND I was thinking “how the holy f**k am I ever going to climb back up here tomorrow!!!!”..... oh and by that time I was in need of a large, very cold drink and a lie down!!!!!

Finally , just when I really thought we were going to have to send for paramedics or a donkey to assist me, we got to the bottom...... yes literally.... the hotel was

right on the beach..... and it was lovely...... even if it had been a total shit heap I wouldn’t have cared as there was no way I could have climbed those stairs again without at least 24 hours of rest and a large quantity of strong drugs or drink!!!!!

We checked in and were shown to our room, which had a balcony and was so close to the ocean that we could hear the waves breaking on the shore just below us. Dear Richard was understandably a little upset at the size of the balcony, which had room for a small table and one chair, there was no chance of us enjoying a romantic little drink there after dinner......well, we could have, but one of us would have had to sit inside the room while the other enjoyed the fresh air and (sideways) view of the sea.

Amazingly, our luggage arrived promptly ..... huge respect to the guy who carried both our cases down the side of the cliff at breakneck speed...... there was no damage... I checked ..... as I had visions of him sitting on them and sliding down the steps..... well that’s what I would have done, bugger walking down !! By now I was truly gagging for something to drink...... not necessarily alcoholic..... what do your take me for !!!!!! So after a quick change into beachwear we made our way down ...... more flipping steps!!! to the beach. It wasn’t very big .... due to the proximity of the cliffs, and there was no sand, only pebbles and large stones, but there was a pretty little bar and free sun beds set out in tidy rows, so we were happy to take advantage of the beautiful weather and relax a little.... ok I won’t mention the steps again.......

Feeling a little peckish we repaired to the bar and ordered a sandwich and drinks.

Later , after an afternoon of warm sun and a little snooze....( I attempted to venture into the sea but the stony nature of the ground didn’t lend itself to getting in or out of it with any vestige of elegance.... and I wasn’t about to make an exhibition of myself just so that I didn’t have to walk up the beach to the toilet!!!!)

we walked back UP the steps to the hotel, changed and went for a little explore. The hotel was beautiful, the restaurant was on a large terrace looking out over the sea with plants and flowers framing the view. There was another outdoor terrace, shaded by vines and an intriguing path which seemed to go into the cliffs. Everywhere was cool, tiled floors and a front open to the sea helped with that, and the staff treated us as though we were Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton....( a nice surprise as in several establishments they have been downright rude!!!)

The receptionist told us that if we followed the path it would lead us to the town of Positano and the main beach.....yes I did ask her if the journey involved steps and she said the it was...... and I quote..... “FLAT”....... I‘m not sure she quite grasped the true meaning of the word flat, as we shall shortly see!!!!

So off we trotted along said path.... well, when we found it..... it disappeared for a moment and we found ourselves in the kitchen of the hotel!!!....and guess what.... it went up, then down, then up again and finally down a long way into the town. The views were beautiful and the sun was setting.... cue me showing a tiny bit of concern about the return journey in the dark!!!! and when we got to the other side of the headland there was a much bigger beach and lots of cafes.

We had a wander around the shops but there weren’t many and they were selling exactly the same stuff as the shops in Sorrento so we made for the sea front and found a bar. As it was the end of the season there were considerably less people around than I imagine there are in summer, we were the only customers in our bar which would, one imagines, lead to prompt efficient service......ten minutes later I was about to go to the bar and suggest to the staff loitering there that it might be an idea to come and take our order..... well we are both of an age..... I wanted another drink before shuffling off this mortal coil!!!!...... but a young man managed to saunter over...... I did wonder if they were hoping that we would get fed up and leave so that they could shut up shop and bugger off home early!!!!The young man turned out to personable enough , although he struggled a bit with our accents......everyone seems to think we are Australian!!!!!....drinks were ordered and we settled down for a bit of people watching..... and disappointed we were not.......

we were seated opposite the main beach, a grey gritty affair and not very attractive, but clearly THE spot to be at sunset to have your picture taken. Now I’m not talking about a portrait of Granny eating an ice cream here, I mean full on professional jobs involving tripods, posing, hair flicking, pouting, gazing into one another’s eyes, it was all going on right in front of us!!! The icing on the cake came when a couple of Asian origin, I couldn’t see clearly enough to be certain exactly where they hailed from, arrived with not only a photographer in tow but a hair flicker makeup artist and general dogsbody(who seemed to be there just to carry stuff and clap with delight as each new pose was struck!!!)There followed a series of postures and positions, all undertaken in deadly earnest until the sun was virtually gone and they needed a searchlight to be picked out on the darkening beach. At the same time a group of lesbians were having a very jolly time( I think a lot of alcohol was involved in this particular scenario...) they sounded American but I couldn’t be certain of that ....the girl with the louder voice had a buzz cut and was wearing jeans and a shirt and had obviously taken every stereotypical male trait and multiplied it by 10 but being drunk, only succeeded in walking as though she had a poker up her bottom, laughing very loudly and thumping her friends on the back..... they were all

having great fun ......

We had finished our drinks by this time and decided to have another..... so we waited .... and waited .... and eventually when our young friend managed to summon the energy to walk to our table,ordered ..... more for the snacks as much as anything.... all that walking makes you peckish!’

We asked for the bill

at the same time as I could see we might have to stay the night if we waited until we were ready to go...... this time we didn’t feel it necessary to apply for a loan in order to pay for our drinks..... considering the location of the bar they were really quite reasonable. And so, feeling happy and a tiny bit squiffy( me!!!) we made our way back along the path ( which was illuminated.. big thanks to the person who sorted that !! ...) to the hotel where we were hoping that dinner would be served....such was my feeling of euphoria I barely noticed the steep incline up the path from the beach, although I did have to stop and catch my breath at the top....

Into the restaurant , so pretty, with a view of the twinkling lights further along the coast, and once again given the star treatment.... ( I could very easily get used to it you know!!!).... we ordered from a very fancy menu and decided to spoil ourselves with a bottle

of wine.....to be fair we have done this every night but we are on holiday so it’s ok ......

The food was the best we have had so far..... First we were served a complimentary starter which was some sort of fried cheesy thing with a sauce.... it was lovely, then I had swordfish sliced very thinly, stuffed with spinach then rolled and coated with an almond crumb and Richard had cannelloni with a twist..... my dinner came with an orange sauce which was a bit weird in the beginning but actually went with the fish perfectly. Richards cannelloni was served with the tomato and bechamel sauces drizzled on the top..... he said it was the best pasta he had ever had!!!!

After that little lot we were truly ready for bed.....

and so I fell asleep to the sound of the waves lapping on the shore below us.... we had left the windows open and sprayed liberally with a new insect spray which we found in Sorrento , which didn’t smell like a farmers sheep dip or something you would spray your roses with !!!! ........

and dreamt that I could fly and so simply floated up the two hundred steps I knew were to come in the morning!!!!